Pregame: We Made It to Kickoff
Had a great pregame. Well, kind of.
The neighbors’ kids were going crazy upstairs and apparently decided it was time to trash their house, so we did them the courtesy of running downstairs and doing the same thing. Solidarity.
We also got these awesome pictures before things went to hell
I made sausage in the air fryer along with some bacon, attempted to clean the house, did a TikTok and, most importantly, somehow got my kid down for a much-needed nap before kickoff.
Andy was SUPER cranky this morning and eventually slammed his plate with a turkey sandwich on the ground because he wanted chocolate instead.
Sorry, dude. It’s game day and you are going to bed.
Now please sleep through the first half.
1st quarter recap
Bills First Drive: Run the Damn Ball…Until You Can’t
Well, the Bills ran the ball pretty damn well on the opening drive, especially between the tackles. Buffalo went 30 yards on seven plays and six of those seven plays were runs. James Cook had 22 yards on just three carries, including runs of nine and 11 yards, so early on it looked like the Bills offensive line was getting some movement and Buffalo could actually establish something on the ground against this Houston defense.
Then came 4th-and-2.
The Bills put the ball in Josh Allen’s hands on a designed run to the left side, which I have absolutely no problem with. The problem was Dion Dawkins — who, by all reports, lost weight this offseason, which means he’s better now — couldn’t make the block. Allen lost two yards and Buffalo turned it over on downs.
So you run it six times for 27 yards on the opening drive, Cook is averaging over seven yards per carry, you get aggressive on fourth down…and then you lose two yards. I feel we need to get play action for next drive.
Football is back.
Texans First Drive: GREG ROUSSEAU!
FUMBLE!!!!
I’ve been driving the Greg Rousseau bandwagon for a while now and, well, here we go. Houston’s first possession went absolutely nowhere. David Montgomery carried it twice for three yards, Houston had a false start mixed in there and then Rousseau completely wrecked the drive.
On third down, Rousseau got to C.J. Stroud for the sack, knocked the ball loose and Ed Oliver recovered it at the Houston 32. Sack, forced fumble, Bills ball and suddenly the failed fourth down on Buffalo’s opening possession doesn’t feel nearly as annoying.
Houston’s first drive: three plays, one net yard and a turnover.
That’ll work.
Bills Second Drive: We Actually Got the Lateral!
Well, welcome Alec Anderson to the starting lineup. The Bills get the ball at the Houston 32 after the Greg Rousseau forced fumble, and almost immediately Josh Allen gets sacked for a six-yard loss by Jadeveon Clowney.
Then I got pissed off for an entirely different reason.
I wanted to predict before the game that the Bills would run a lateral at some point, and of course I didn’t do it. Naturally, Allen hits Keon Coleman for four yards and Coleman laterals it to Khalil Shakir, who takes it another seven yards. IT FUCKING HAPPENED. I knew it.
And then, because we can’t just enjoy anything, the Bills get called for too many men on the field. Fucking great. I’d say, “Well, we have a new head coach calling the plays, there are going to be some early growing pains,” except it’s the same guy calling the offensive plays. So there goes that excuse.
The good news? Tyler Bass drills the 46-yarder and Buffalo gets three points out of the Rousseau turnover.
Tyler Bass, the greatest No. 16 in Buffalo Bills history, officially surpassing Drew Haddad.
Bills 3, Texans 0.
Texans Second Drive: Welcome, Chosen One
I love the Chosen One, Maxwell Hairston, rocking the No. 1 jersey. I’m all in. Houston immediately went after him and Hairston made the tackle after a 16-yard completion, so welcome to Year 2, No. 1. The number looks fucking awesome on him.
Then I saw No. 97 on the Bills defense and had absolutely no idea who it was, which I’m sure Pat Moran will give me grief for because, as a certified content bro, I’m apparently supposed to know every player on the 53-man roster, practice squad, equipment staff and probably their blood types.
I’m also assuming Brodie in Boston, NY has an old Joey Bosa No. 97 jersey somewhere and is currently trying to figure out whose name he needs to duct tape over Bosa’s.
As for the actual football, Houston put together a long drive and Buffalo had chances to get them off the field but couldn’t do it. C.J. Stroud finally got going after the Rousseau fumble, completing three of four passes for 50 yards on the possession. The killer was the 25-yard shot to Nico Collins that put Houston at the Buffalo 2.
Buffalo actually stuffed David Montgomery twice from the 2, but on the third try he finally punched it in from a yard out.
Houston goes 68 yards on 15 plays and takes more than seven minutes off the clock. After forcing a turnover on Houston’s first possession, the Bills defense basically spent the rest of the quarter on the field.
Texans 7, Bills 3.
END OF FIRST QUARTER: Texans 7, Bills 3
Well, Josh Allen has 33 passing yards.
That’s not great.
He’s technically a perfect 3-for-3, so congratulations to anyone who only looks at completion percentage, but Buffalo really hasn’t gotten the passing game going at all. The good news is the last play of the quarter was easily their biggest through the air, Allen finding Khalil Shakir for 29 yards to get Buffalo into Houston territory.
The Bills have 58 total yards through one quarter compared to Houston’s 77. Buffalo ran the ball pretty well early, especially James Cook, who has 26 yards on four carries, but they haven’t been able to turn any of it into a touchdown.
So we’ve got a failed fourth down, a sack allowed, a too-many-men penalty, a lateral that I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING PREDICTED, Greg Rousseau continuing to justify my bandwagon membership and Tyler Bass becoming the greatest No. 16 in Bills history.
And after all of that?
Texans 7, Bills 3.
We’re onto the second quarter.
2nd Quarter
THAT Was a Josh Allen Drive
There he is.
After I just complained about Josh Allen having only 33 passing yards in the first quarter, he basically decided, fine, I’ll do this shit myself.
The drive started at the end of the first quarter with the big play to Khalil Shakir, and then Allen went right back to Shakir for another 16 yards to start the second. James Cook kept doing his thing with runs of seven and four yards, and suddenly Buffalo was sitting at the Houston 21.
Then Josh happened.
Allen couldn’t find what he wanted, took off to the right and went 21 yards to the house as no cute shit was needed. Just the best player on the field realizing he can take over a drive whenever he wants.
Allen accounted for 56 yards passing and rushing on the possession, Cook added 11 on the ground, and Buffalo went from looking pretty blah offensively in the first quarter to taking a 10-7 lead.
That was a Josh Allen drive.
Texans Answer: Good Plays, Bigger Plays
OK, I may be wrong here, but did Deone Walker gain whatever weight Dion Dawkins lost this offseason? The man is HUGE. And I mean that entirely as a compliment. Buffalo lists him at 6-foot-7, 331 pounds, and watching him in the middle of this defensive line is ridiculous.
I actually really liked some of what the Bills defensive line did on this drive. There was pressure, Greg Rousseau was around Stroud again, and there were individual snaps where it felt like Buffalo was winning up front.
The problem was every time the Bills made a good play, Houston seemed to answer with a bigger one.
The one that pissed me off was 3rd-and-12. Buffalo brings the safety on the blitz, nobody contains C.J. Stroud and suddenly the middle of the field looks like the fucking 290 at 3 a.m. Stroud takes off for 15 yards and a first down. You cannot give up a 15-yard quarterback scramble on 3rd-and-12.
That was basically the entire drive to me. Buffalo made enough good defensive plays where you felt like they should have gotten off the field, but Houston kept finding the one bigger play it needed. Woody Marks ripped off 12 yards, Buffalo added a defensive holding penalty and then David Montgomery finished it by going 18 yards for his second touchdown of the game.
It felt like a drive where the Bills defense played better than the result, but at some point that doesn’t matter. Good plays are nice, but getting off the fucking field is nicer.
Texans 14, Bills 10.
Bills Answer: WE DISCOVERED THE DEEP BALL
Like when man discovered fire, the Buffalo Bills have apparently discovered the deep ball.
Welcome to the party, DJ Moore!
Moore finally gets involved with his first catch as a Bill, an 18-yarder that gets Buffalo across midfield. Then Josh Allen immediately says fuck it and launches one deep to Moore. It’s incomplete, but Houston interferes with him for 46 yards and suddenly the Bills are sitting at the 1-yard line.
One catch and one gigantic pass interference penalty. That’s exactly why you traded for the guy. Even when he doesn’t catch the deep ball, his presence can completely change a drive.
Then Buffalo tried the WR screen near the goal line and I would like to formally request that we never do that again. In fact, no more WR screens. We have discovered throwing the football DOWN the field. There is no reason to go backward in human evolution.
Thankfully, Josh Allen eventually does Josh Allen things and sneaks it in from the 1 for his second rushing touchdown of the quarter.
Three offensive plays, 19 actual yards, another 46 yards via pass interference and seven points.
Bills 17, Texans 14.
Welcome to Buffalo, DJ Moore.
I Have No Analysis of That Drive
I didn’t really watch that last Texans drive because my kid had a blowout, and kid No. 2 and the Mrs. were simultaneously trying to get out of the house to go to a birthday party.
By the way, anyone who schedules a kid’s birthday party on NFL opening Sunday should be thrown directly into jail. No trial. Straight to jail.
But it’s all good. This is why you have two parents. One parent handles the birthday party, the other handles the Bills game and apparently we both handle poop.
So my detailed All-22 breakdown of that Houston possession is this: I saw Denzel Igbinosun make a really good play on third down.
That’s my analysis.
Now everyone is leaving the house, I survived the blowout and I can get back to football.
Bills 17, Texans 14.
GIMME SOME MOORE!!!
So far this game looks NOTHING like the previous Bills-Texans games where Buffalo’s offense goes to Houston and apparently forgets how football works.
DALTON KINCAID FOR 38!
DJ MOORE FOR 15!
AND THEN DJ FUCKING MOORE FOR 43 YARDS AND A TOUCHDOWN!
Remember when I said earlier that mankind had finally discovered the deep ball? Apparently we have now discovered electricity too.
GIMME SOME MOORE!!!
Three catches, 76 yards, and a touchdown. He already drew a 46-yard pass interference penalty on the previous touchdown drive, too. This is exactly what I wanted to see when Buffalo brought him here. You don’t need to manufacture 13 catches for the guy. Let him stretch the field, make defenses actually worry about something happening more than eight yards beyond the line of scrimmage and let Josh Allen launch the fucking football.
And that drive was absurd. Buffalo starts at its own 4-yard line and goes 96 yards in THREE PLAYS. Kincaid for 38, Moore for 15 and Moore for 43.
Josh Allen went from 33 passing yards at the end of the first quarter to 163 with 1:29 still left in the half.
DJ Moore is officially the greatest No. 2 in Buffalo Bills history.
My apologies to Steve Christie.
My apologies to Nate Peterman.
Actually, no apologies to Nate Peterman.
Bills 24, Texans 14.
I Was Worried About Benford
If you listened to my predictions on Pat’s podcast, one of the things I said I was worried about was Christian Benford going into this new defense.
Well…
He hasn’t been great.
I KNOW. I KNOW. It’s Week 1. We aren’t even at halftime yet. I’m not declaring Christian Benford suddenly sucks at football after years of being really good. But so far, he looks uncomfortable, and that last drive certainly didn’t make me feel any better about my prediction.
Benford gets called for the 21-yard pass interference trying to cover Nico Collins, and from there Houston just starts ripping off chunks. .
By my count, these two teams already have 16 plays of 10 yards or more, and we haven’t even reached halftime. This game has suddenly become a chunk-play contest.
Buffalo’s offense is finally creating those plays against Houston.Unfortunately, Buffalo’s defense is giving them right back.
Bills 24, Texans 21.
HALFTIME
At halftime, the Bills lead 24-21 and I’m not exactly sure what the hell I just watched, but I know it looks nothing like the last few Bills games in Houston. Josh Allen had 33 passing yards after the first quarter and somehow has 163 at halftime, DJ Moore has officially arrived with three catches for 76 yards and a touchdown, and apparently the Bills discovered throwing the ball more than 10 yards downfield.
The defense? Ehhhh. Greg Rousseau made a huge play with the forced fumble, but Houston has 215 yards, they’re 4-for-6 on third down, Benford has struggled and every time the Bills defense makes a good play they seem to give up a bigger one right after it. Buffalo is winning, Allen is cooking, Moore is already the greatest No. 2 in Bills history and I survived a diaper blowout. Pretty successful first half.
3rd Quarter
THAT’S More Like It
Penalties and a three-and-out. That’s what I like.
After a first half where it felt like both offenses could basically do whatever the hell they wanted, Houston comes out and goes absolutely nowhere. David Montgomery gets five yards, Greg Rousseau stuffs him for no gain, then Houston wipes out a completion with a 15-yard chop-block penalty and suddenly it’s 3rd-and-20. Stroud throws incomplete and get the hell off the field.
Houston’s opening drive of the second half: three plays, minus-10 yards and a punt. Beautiful.
Well, We Have Punts Now
Two drives into the second half, one for each team, and absolutely nothing happened. After the first half looked like someone turned the difficulty down to Rookie, both offenses have apparently remembered defenses are allowed to participate.
And I didn’t even realize the Bills hadn’t punted the entire first half. Welcome to Buffalo, punter I refuse to knew his name. Your first punt as a Bill goes 63 yards and gets downed at the Houston 4. Hell of a way to introduce yourself.
The Bills actually started moving it a little with DJ Moore again, because apparently that guy is going to catch everything today, but penalties killed the drive. Alec Anderson gets called for holding, Dawkins gets flagged for another one that Houston declines, and Buffalo eventually has to punt. Bills have 9 penalties!
So after 45 points in the first half, we’ve started the third quarter with two punts and zero points.
GREG ROUSSEAU IN COVERAGE?!
Greg Rousseau in coverage!? Somewhere, Mario Williams just felt a disturbance in the force.
Someone please let Mario know that apparently he wasn’t the first, and definitely won’t be the last, outside linebacker in a 3-4 defense who occasionally has to drop into coverage. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear this news 14 years later.
But more importantly, good shit from the Bills defense. Two straight Houston possessions, two straight three-and-outs. After Houston seemed capable of getting a chunk play whenever they needed one in the first half, Buffalo has come out after halftime and actually gotten off the field.
Maybe this defense just needed 30 minutes to figure out what the hell it was doing or they shitted out that Texas BBQ last night.
Live Blogging Was a Terrible Idea
Baxter is currently trying to bite me while I type this, which feels like a pretty good review of my decision to live blog an entire Bills game.
Not gonna lie, I regret this. There’s too much fucking work. Watch the game, take notes, look up stats, write the blog, and then I’m supposed to tweet too? No. I don’t wanna tweet. I just wanna watch football like a normal person.
And now Baxter is on the table.
Great experiment. Never doing this again.
Remember James Cook?
James Cook has been pretty quiet since the first quarter, which is probably fine with me since I am apparently the Throw King now. Cook actually started really well with 26 yards on four carries in the first quarter, but he’s now at just 43 yards on 10 carries, so basically 17 yards on his last six.
The Bills were moving the ball pretty well on this drive, too. They got into Houston territory, Kincaid had a nice 11-yard catch, Houston helped with the roughing-the-passer penalty, and it felt like Buffalo was finally going to put together another touchdown drive.
Then it stalled. Cook gets three, Allen gets sacked, and on 3rd-and-12 we get…a two-yard WR screen to Khalil Shakir.
THE WR SCREEN.
And here I thought Sean McDermott was the guy demanding those all these years. I kid. I kid.
Tyler Bass hits the 34-yarder, so at least Buffalo gets points and makes it 27-21.
Some Guts From Houston
Some guts by the Texans to go for it on 4th-and-inches there. There really wasn’t some gigantic hole where you immediately went, well, obviously they’re getting this. In fact, it looked like the Bills were panicking a little bit before the snap. I saw Terrel Bernard making gestures and trying to get everybody lined up, and for a second it felt like Buffalo wasn’t completely sure what Houston was about to do.
Then it basically became a one-on-one play.
Benford had a chance to make the stop and just couldn’t wrap up the running back.
I’ve already mentioned Benford a few times today, and again, I KNOW IT’S EARLY, but this hasn’t been his best game. That’s a tackle he normally makes, and if he makes it there, Buffalo gets the ball back with a six-point lead.
Instead, Houston’s drive stays alive.
And that fourth-down conversion ended up being huge because Houston turned what could’ve been the end of the drive into a long march into Bills territory. Stroud hit Foster Moreau for nine, then Kayshon Boutte for 21, and suddenly Houston was moving again. Benford did come back with a nice coverage play on Nico Collins, so I’ll give him that after busting his balls all afternoon, but Stroud immediately found Collins for nine on the next play.
So after the first half featured 45 points, the third quarter gave us exactly three. Buffalo’s defense forced two straight three-and-outs before this drive, the Bills managed only a Tyler Bass field goal, and now Houston will start the fourth quarter at the Buffalo 19.
Bills 27, Texans 21.
4th Quarter
Ugh. This Defense Looks New
Ugh. The defense just looks out of order, and maybe the simplest explanation is that it is a new defense. New system, new pieces, guys being asked to do different things, and there have been way too many moments today where it looks like everyone is trying to figure out where the hell they’re supposed to be.
And that touchdown was the perfect example.
Houston goes play action and I swear you could see it coming from my couch. Stroud executes it perfectly, Buffalo bites, and boom. Touchdown. Maybe this is just the growing pains of a new defense.
Still fucking annoying to watch.
Houston: 28
Buffalo: 27
Kincaid Wakes the Offense Back Up
That’s a pretty damn good answer after Houston takes the lead. Buffalo gets the ball down 28-27, and Dalton Kincaid basically says, OK, remember me? He catches one for six and then Allen finds him deep for 40 yards, and just like that the Bills go from their own territory to the Houston 20.
And then…ehhhh.
Cook gets three on the ground, another three through the air, and on third down Allen can’t connect with Shakir. So a drive that suddenly looked like it might end with Buffalo taking control ends with Tyler Bass again.
Bass hits from 33 yards, Buffalo retakes the lead 30-28, and Kincaid is now up to four catches for 95 yards.
Enjoy Your Five Fantasy Points
Enjoy your five fantasy points if you have the Texans kicker. Ka’imi Fairbairn just casually drills a 58-yard field goal because apparently that’s a normal thing now. Texans take the lead right back, 31-30.
Six and change left. Josh Allen, here you go.
Well, That Was Fucking Awful
Ugh. Three-and-out with the Bills down one and six minutes left. You could tell exactly what Buffalo wanted to do there: Houston had stopped respecting the run, the Bills decided this was the time to attack downfield, and instead absolutely nothing happened. After the botched first-down snap, Allen took two shots toward DJ Moore and both fell incomplete. Punt. Houston ball.
THE DEFENSE GOT THE STOP
Well, give the defense credit because they absolutely had to get off the field there and they did. 3 plays, 1 yard, and a punt.
Down by 1 and you got the best player in the world.
Hold Up — Did Buffalo Lose a Play?
Hold up. Am I crazy here, or did the clock definitely tick off an extra second after James Cook went out of bounds?
Cook gets out with 2:01 showing, and then somehow we hit the two-minute warning without Buffalo getting another snap off. If he was ruled out of bounds at 2:01, the clock should have stopped right there.
That matters because Buffalo potentially just lost an entire play before the warning.
Maybe there’s an explanation from the officials, but watching it live, that looked weird as hell.
JOSH FUCKING ALLEN
Holy shit. After Allen throws an absolutely terrible YOLO ball that probably should’ve ended this whole thing, he comes right back and throws an absolute LASER to Josh Palmer for a 34-yard touchdown.
What. A. Fucking. Throw.
And look at Allen’s numbers now: 20-of-29, 334 yards, 2 passing touchdowns, no interceptions, plus 24 rushing yards and 2 rushing touchdowns. That’s 358 total yards and four total touchdowns.
And remember: he had 33 passing yards after the first quarter.
From 33 yards to 334, and with the Bills staring at another loss in Houston, he just ripped a game-winning-caliber throw right down the middle to Palmer.
Bills 36, Texans 31. 1:36 left.
Now defense, PLEASE. Finish the fucking thing.
THAT’S GAME!!!
After I spent most of the afternoon bitching about this defense looking confused, out of order and like a bunch of new pieces trying to figure out a new system, they finally made the plays when it mattered most.
And fittingly, Greg Rousseau and Deone Walker were right in the middle of it. Rousseau has been one of the best Bills defenders all afternoon, starting with the strip-sack in the first quarter, and Walker looked like an absolute fucking building out there.
Josh Allen gives you the lead with that ridiculous touchdown throw to Josh Palmer, and then the defense FINALLY closes the door.
Was it pretty? Nope. Did I enjoy live blogging this entire fucking thing? Also nope.
But the Bills went into Houston and got the win. Josh Allen and company destroyed a defense that has been his Michael Myers.
Bills 36, Texans 31. BALLGAME.
Here are five numbers that really tell the story of this game:
334 — Josh Allen passing yards. The crazy part: he had only 33 after the first quarter, meaning he threw for 301 yards over the final three quarters. He finished 20-of-29 with 2 passing TDs, 0 INTs, plus 2 rushing TDs.
23:42 — Buffalo’s time of possession. Houston possessed it for 36:18, yet Buffalo still won 36-31. The Bills were ridiculously explosive when they actually had the football.
7.9 — Buffalo’s yards per play. Houston ran 73 plays to Buffalo’s 52, but the Bills still outgained them 409-380.
230 — Combined receiving yards for Dalton Kincaid and DJ Moore. Kincaid went 5-for-130 and Moore 5-for-100 with a TD. That’s 23 yards per reception between them.
2 — Houston turnovers, and Greg Rousseau forced both of them. His first-quarter strip-sack set up Buffalo’s first points, and then with 16 seconds left he strip-sacked Stroud again to end the game. Deone Walker also had the huge sack on the previous series of downs.
I’ll be on with Pat Moran tonight!!
I actually like it as a recap, didn’t need it to be live you said. You could pretty much just save your tweets into a word file
I was actually wishing for a few more defensive timeouts….. seriously. They were obviously not ready on a few plays where there should have been a timeout.
While I think Chubb and Rousseau will get their double digit sack totals this year. It will be because Walker is just a monster.
Multiple d coordinators and head coaches now think Pat should shut up with his Hamlin hate. Lol
I’m all for opening up the pass game but they went away from the run game really early today